Parenting 505

While Adam was gone and I was in Utah, I had a few rough nights where Lilly was fussy, Charlie wouldn’t stay in his bed and Jack and Charlie were bickering constantly. After one particularly rough night, I went to the library to look up books on parenting. As I was standing there in the aisle with the two boys, one started pushing the other, followed by a biting incident. I felt like anyone walking by was thinking, “Yea she better be checking out “Parenting with Love and Logic” and “The Difficult Child.” I’ve been examining my parenting style and thinking about how I want to encourage positive behavior.

The book I started with was “How to Tame the Dragon in your Child.” It had some good ideas but the most important one for me was that I needed to set the example. If I let myself get so exhausted that I lose my cool and throw my own temper tantrum, how can I expect them to handle their anger in a positive way. If I spank them when I’m mad, how I can I teach them not to hit when they are mad. I’ve always known that you shouldn’t spank after a child turns three, but since Charlie’s a few weeks from three and passing through a defiant stage, I guess I’ve been feeling like I need to get them in while I can. But now, I resolve to stop spanking period, to get myself in control before I discipline, and to encourage and teach positive interactions and self-control. One of the first things I tried that made a big difference was spending one on one time with Charlie. Just an hour of playing with me alone made a HUGE difference in his mood for the rest of the day. We also implemented a token system at Adam’s suggestion where the kids could earn tokens for good behavior and handling frustrations positively and lose tokens for negative behavior. We promised a reward when Adam arrived from VA if they each had 10 tokens. Charlie is still a bit young for it but with Jack it worked like a charm. I didn’t even have to threaten taking tickets but a simple, “Jack” would remind him to treat his brother with more kindness.

By reading and talking to some good friends, I was able to make enough a paradigm shift that the next time Charlie pooped his pants. (He’s been so good but the last few weeks his potty training has gone out the window) but instead of thinking that he had done it on purpose and flying off the handle and disciplining because of his apparent disrespect for my authority, I didn’t say anything and happily cleaned him up. Without prompting, he said that he was sorry and I was able to be the comforting Mom and tell him that we all make mistakes and he can try better next time. What a difference! I love being a Mom and I love spending quality time with my kids. I’m working with Jack a few minutes a day on reading and it is so incredibly rewarding. I’m kind of sad it has to end and I have to go back to work in Aug.

Parents can and must correct, even chasten, if their children are not to be cast adrift at the mercy of a merciless adversary and his supporters. President Boyd K. Packer has observed that when a person in a position to correct another fails to do so, he is thinking of himself. Remember that reproof should be timely, with sharpness or clarity, 'when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy' (D&C 121:43)” (D. Todd Christofferson, “As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

“A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?” (Lynn G. Robbins, “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?” Apr. 2011 general conference).