Last week I went to my 6-week followup visit. This is the visit where the doctor says that magically now you are ready to do everything that you haven’t been able to (i.e. swim, have intercourse, etc) I smiled smugly to myself thinking about all the things that we have done this summer and feeling proud that I have been able to give both Charlie and Jackson all these fun experiences (even though they are both under three and I personally don’t have any memories until age six) and that I haven’t let this baby slow me down. Besides what other six-week old do you know who’s done so much?
3- The number of family reunions he’s been to (one was they day we came home from the hospital)
2- The number of times he’s been boating and out to Flaming Gorge
3- Trips to the pool
2- Parades he’s attended
3- Trips to Lagoon
2- Weeks old when he was first babysat by Grandma so I could start working
2- Days old when he first went to church
8+- trips to the park, the museum, in a sling, in a carrier (the only thing I haven’t tried yet is the bike carrier…)
The other day Laura came to visit and we walked down to the park with our neighbor friend Joey. While Laura held Charlie, I decided to get on the playground and chase Jack and Joey around and teach them hide-and-go-seek. Jack’s face was so happy and I could tell that it meant the world to him that I was playing rather than sitting on the bench nursing or saying I was too big to play. He even said, “Mommy, you not too big” He was so well behaved all day and I know that it was just this little bit of one-on-one attention that made him feel special. I knew that is how it worked, I read somewhere that when you put little investments of time and attention in their “piggy banks” kids are happier and better behaved- but why don’t I do it on a daily basis? Maybe because I get too caught up in making sure my boys are experiencing everything. Have I overdone it?
1- Very bad cold attacked me last night. I always get sick when Im stressed, it waits until I have a day off then gets me.
2- The number of sudafeds Adam gave me last night (today the pharmacist said I could take anything BUT Sudafed because it dries your milk up)
3- boxes of tissues I’ve gone through
3- Hours of sleep I've been averaging this week
1- Call to the lactation specialist- after being a very good nurser for six weeks, I suddenly have large bleeding cracks and don’t know what to do. I have a feeling it might be from thinking I was a pro and trying to nurse in odd places and odd positions, that or Charlies experiencing nipple confusion because he has to take an occasional bottle when I’m working.
7- The number of keys affected by a little squirt while I was trying to type this and change a diaper at the same time- (talk about sticky keys..)
I’m feeling like my whole philosophy is off. While I’ve been exhausting myself trying to do everything, work 20 hours, be a full-time stay at home mom, and give my boys all these fun experiences, the times that Jack is the happiest is when we’re home digging in the garden, reading books, swimming with Mommy or swinging on the swing. Often we are out doing fun things so late that we come home and don’t have time to read a book or do a bedtime routine, and then I feel like a mean mommy telling him we can’t read books and needs to go straight to bed. Charlie’s growing up so fast, he’s already doubled in weight, am I missing it because I’m still too focused on Jack? After a long battle with myself, I decided not to enroll him in pre-school even though I want him to have more social experiences with other kids. He doesn’t start kindergarten for 3 years. If I send him to pre-school now will I feel like I missed this year, is he ready? If I’m not working full time so that I can be home with Jack, shouldn’t I spend all the time loving on him as I can?
I feel like I need to slow down, but I’m not sure how. The numbers tell me I have to work and in consequence, I try and jam our lives full of fun to make up for the time I’m gone. Anyway, "Isn't it about time?" j/k Does anyone else feel this way? Just how important are all these numbers?
6 comments:
Oh WOW Becky!! I have SO been there!! I feel your pain! Life can be so confusing at times I think. When to do what? And how much of it... I have found that SLOWING DOWN is one of the best things I could ever do....for me or my kids. Stop and take a deep breath every once in a while and try to focus on NOW rather than what's going to happen next. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I've mastered this by ANY means, but it has been helping. It's so hard to make the transition to 2 kids- I think that's the hardest one (personally). Sharing your time, your heart, your fun with two completely different individuals.... ANYWAY!! It sounds like you are handling it better than most!! Keep going- it gets better!!! (those are my two cents, however useless they may be :))
Take a big deep breath. It'll do you some good. I think that it is a good idea to slow down too. And hang out with Laura more while you are slowing down.
Oh Becky!! It's that darn mother guilt - it just sneaks up on you when you aren't looking and then K.O.'s you. I feel your pain. I go through similar cycles of trying to do everything and be good everything. Of course it never works. When I'm really awesome it blows up spectacularly in my face.
I think the thing for me is that I was always taught that I could have it all. I could do anything. But that isn't true. You can do it all but you can't do it all well. And that's what I still struggle with.
You are doing a great job. You are one of the best moms I know. So take good care of your kids mama because they've only got one!
You'll figure this balance thing out. And then you'll teach me:)
So I've been thinking about it a little bit more. I keep thinking about how lucky Jack and Charlie are to be born into a family that has so much love to offer. I think that it is really hard to balance actively doing fun things (like trips to Flaming Gorge and Lagoon) with just being with the people you love and enjoying their company. Someday, it won't be as exciting to Jack that his mommy wants to play hide and seek with him. But for such little boys, they are so lucky to have done so many cool things. But they are even luckier to have a mom who loves to spend time with him no matter what they are doing. Have fun with your boys, and let me know whenever you need someone to play with who is potty-trained.
A sometimes hard truth to swallow is You can't ever have it all. In a world that teaches so much that you can do it all, the harsh reality is you can not. You can't be everything to everyone and you can't do everything, even if they are good things... I guess the important part to figure out is what is MOST important and how you can accomplish that... It sometimes means saying NO to things, even employment, but saying NO to them means you can say YES to your family... You're children are only young once, and it goes by so very quickly.
It's a lot to handle. I find the same thing too: if you give your kids some attention, then move on to something else they will be happier. It's always hard to find the time to spread around to everyone. It's a constant battle, but you'll figure it out.
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